THE DESEXUALIZATION OF THE AMERICAN MARRIAGE/A SEXUAL-SYSTEM EXAM: “ADAPTED” TO SEX
The crises we have had seem to have-strengthened us somehow. We get better at solving things as we go along.
HUSBAND
With every setback, our marriage is set back. We just can’t take much more.
MALADAPTIVE:
CRISES WEAKEN MARRIAGE, LOSS DRAWS SPOUSES APART
WIFE
ADAPTIVE:
MARRIAGE IS STRENGTHENED AT TIMES OF LOSS AND OTHER CRISES
012345678 9., 10
ADAPTABILITY MALADAPTIVENESS
Think of the major crises your marriage has been forced to cope with. Loss of a parent, a sick or handicapped child, loss of job or other major setback. Did such events actually seem to help your marriage (adaptive)? Or did they tend to weaken it (maladaptive)?
You may find it difficult to understand how a marriage could be “too” adaptable, but the issue of room to grow explains this possibility. “Premature adaptability” excludes the newness, freshness, and challenge necessary for personal and relationship growth, much as speaking for a child can delay and sometimes permanently restrict language development for that child. All growth depends upon periods of stress within the system, times where everything seems out of whack, when adjustments must be made.
The couple in my example scored toward maladaptive. A recent work problem for the husband resulted in a severe marital argument, almost to the point of violence. “Damn it, what does she think? I have this terrible thing happen to me through no fault of my own, and she wants to go that night to visit her mother in the nursing home. Sure, I put my hand through the bedroom door, but it’s only a thin door,” said the frustrated husband.
The wife added, “He’s done that before, when his Uncle Ned died. We just can’t handle these kinds of things. I need help, too. My mother was all alone in that place, and all he can think about is his job. We might as well not be married. We deal with things alone.”
Their sexual problems also had drawn them even further apart. The wife reported that she was inorgasmic and had pain during intercourse. The husband had consulted sex manualsand diagnosed himself as a’ ‘premature ejaculator.” He looked to what was wrong with him, not what might be wrong with the marital system.
The wife said, “I’m like a rubber doll to him. Sex is rare because it hurts and just verifies each time how bad the problem is, how much pain there is in our marriage.”
The husband reported, “Instead of trying to help, she actually loves it that I come too soon. It sort of saves her the time and problem of having sex too long with me.”
*38\97\8*
